Til Death do us part. You were made for one another. You complete me.
Sigh.
Really? Lately I don’t feel any of it except for maybe the death thing. My days consist of needy children and tons of stress, cleaning house, and trying to make the people in my life not mad at me. I feel like a slave. There is no me anymore.
I used to love a lot of things. I liked poetry, music, and nature. Now the closest thing I get to that is listening to my child’s rendition of “Jesus loves me” and watching them run around like wild animals. I don’t regret my kids. I just feel like this is it.
This house would not run without me here. My husband does things, sure. But the last 5 years he’s been in school and my life has been nothing but pure chaos. In fact, he’s been in school on and off my entire 11 1/2 years of marriage and frankly, it sucks. When he is in school, he’s just focused on that. He doesn’t get enough sleep. He acts like a complete jerk. I asked him a question this morning and got my head bit off. And somehow he’s going to “make it up” to me when he’s done in June. I hardly think so. Because frankly, I’m bitter. I’m angry at all the nights I went to bed by myself and he rolled his rear up there at 3am. I’m angry at all the times he yelled at the kids to be quiet when they were just being kids. I’m angry at all the times I needed him and he brushed me off with a pat answer because he was just too busy for me. I can’t tell you how many times we were invited to social things and we had to say NO because of his school. Now, I’ve come to a place where I’m even more angry because now he is using his school as an excuse not to go to church. My kids see this of course and don’t want to go to church either.
Yesterday I went to church completely by myself. I usually take a kid along, but none of them wanted to come with me. I drove 25 minutes in complete silence, except for the sound of the car. I sat through the pre-school class, the entire time just wanting to break down and cry. That I did, all the way home. My life is not my own anymore. This is not what I imagined when I said “I do”. Of course, it never is. But this just seems so isolating and lonely. It feels like I’m married to a robot who goes to work, comes home and does school. I hate it.
It would be ok if he was content to get a B, but he never will. He can’t stand being less than perfect. Funny how that works. His marriage is less than perfect, but he could care less. Gotta get that stinking A. UGH. And he won’t make time for church, but he’ll make time to play basketball or watch the game. I just want to scream.
I’ve come to the conclusion at this point, that I am just here serving a role. It shouldn’t be that way, but that is how it is. I can’t make him be a husband who puts his family first. I can’t make him care about me more than an A. And I also can’t make myself not be bitter. It is what it is. I’ve been replaced by school work, sports and a computer. Whatever was of ME is gone and now I’m just here to make sure everyone else is happy, but me. I guess that is the gospel or so I’ve been told. Give of yourself. Spend yourself. Ok, been there, done that. What’s left? Oh yeah, right…heaven. Well heaven can take me anyday now because this world sucks. True story.
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