People probably don’t know this about me, but I honestly have anxiety about meeting new people. I especially hate being in groups where they put you on the spot. This makes me have even more anxiety. It’s not that I will not talk to people. I do. I just like the one on one conversations much more than I like talking in front of people.
I have tried to push myself in the past to be in things like Bible Studies and classes at church. I usually end up highly disliking it. I don’t know what it is, but I just don’t like people all that much. I try but its really hard. I’m not saying I hate everyone. I’m not even saying that I’m unfriendly toward people. I just have found it especially hard to relate to other people and for them to relate to me. Sometimes I feel like I have a social disorder or something. And truthfully, I would probably sit in my house all day and never relate to people, but I don’t think God wants us to be like that at all. Part of my sin nature is wanting to just be alone by myself. It’s not something I’m overly proud of. It’s just something that I have to deal with and conquer in my own life. Yet, if you met me, I doubt you would even notice this about me. I can be very friendly given the right opportunity.
I think I have come a long way in the last few years. I have pushed myself to be involved in serving at church which forces me to 1) Go to church and 2) be around people I do not know. I think doing this has caused me to be somewhat, dare I say, more social. I am more willing to talk to people now. I’ll always be quiet in nature and probably a girl of few words…I mean, you won’t find me blabbering advice about this or that to your face, but that’s ok. God made me quiet for some reason, but He didn’t want me to stay isolated. He’s helped me to overcome my fears. I still have many regarding socialization. I fear looking stupid or people talking badly about me. I shouldn’t care, but I do. I’m a women and women care way too much about that stuff, myself included.
Even though I have forced myself to be around people that doesn’t always mean they take notice or want to get to know me. I have found that its pretty lonely and people aren’t as willing as you would imagine to develop relationships with new people. I think this is somewhat sad. There are lots of new people coming in and out of our church and I wonder if they feel the same as I do. Everything takes such a long time. Relationships just aren’t there that I would like to have. I secretly wish for friendships and acquaintances. We can’t travel the journey alone. So instead of expecting people to relate to me, I have to do what I wish they would do — relate to them. It feels weird to do this as I am a newbie, so it feels somewhat like they should be reaching out to me. God doesn’t say that I only have to be kind when someone is kind to me, therefore, I put my best foot forward and do what Jesus would have me do even if it doesn’t always feel fair.
There are opportunities at our church to know people. There are Bible Studies and classes and Shepherd groups. I’ve been going for a year and I have not even tried to attend one. My husband attended a class on Sunday mornings, but after 3 months of going, he said he felt like nobody wanted to really get to know him, so he dropped out. I think people still are unaware that he is not going. They didn’t even notice that he was there half the time. Although I find this really sad as the class isn’t that large, I realize that my husband needs to do the socializing. People don’t like outsiders. They like what is familiar. They like being comfortable. This can be said of both the group and my husband because both were not stretching to find out more about the other. I miss this about our last church because they were very welcoming of new people. I don’t find this so at our current church. It gets to be a very lonely feeling.
All of this to say, I ended up joining a study that starts tonight. I don’t know exactly how it will go. I don’t feel like it will be great or amazing. I know it will be hard for me to relate to people. They all know one another and I don’t know anyone. It feels a bit like high school. You come in, find your seat as quick as you can, pretend to not be nervous, smile and nod, and hope the popular girls don’t dislike you. I don’t know why I resort back to feeling like I’m 17 in these situations, but I always do. And to be fair, most of them are not immature. I’m just insecure. I have so much in my brain, but can’t find the words to say them.
I used to be in a Bible study at our old church and it seemed whenever I voiced my opinion on a matter, it was shot down. Even if I quoted a verse, that was shot down as well. It just felt like people wanted to do what they wanted to do and the only reason they joined the Bible study was for fellowship, not to really change at all. It felt very much like a “club” instead of a place to grow. I’m hoping this is not the case tonight because I certainly don’t need to be in a “club”. I need to be in a place that helps me grow in Jesus. That is why I will endure the anxiety and the hardship of going. That is why I will spread my wings and become a tad uncomfortable. It’s not because I want to be popular. It’s because I want to know Jesus more intimately and we can do that by sharing with one another and learning how Christ works in the lives of others. We grow in relationships, I do believe, and so that is why I decided to join this group.
I just want to grow in Jesus and if it takes me being anxious, uncomfortable, and annoyed…then so be it. There are worse things I could endure. I hope tonight is awesome and reaches beyond my hopes because wherever God is, I want to be. I picked up the book for class tonight, unknowingly, it was about suffering. I think God planned that just for me.
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