Michelle Buck

Little Man and I were reading a book together today. Odd how some things just bring you to a place of sadness. I wasn’t expecting to, but there I went, feeling sad about things.

Little Man: “Cat. Kane-a-roo. Puppy. Monkey.”
Me: “Good Job!”
[Pointing at a picture of a bowl] “What’s that?”
Little Man: “Popcorn”.
Me: “No, not popcorn. It’s a bowl, silly.”

Afterwards, I prayed and tucked him in and he leaned his head against my head. I felt sad. Completely sad. I remembered back to when my daughter was this age and all the missed opportunities I had to help her and I missed it. I can’t blame myself entirely, of course. There were things I just didn’t know that were going on. Nonetheless, could I have done better?

Things are going by so fast. Much too fast for me. It’s been a week since we found out our oldest has autism. This week has been a very hard week on me. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like change isn’t easy for me either. I wonder if I’m doing the right thing and second guess my approaches up to this point as her mom. I think about all the school shootings and the teachers molesting children and I just am in this “worse case scenario” mindset. As you can tell, I need to let go.

I guess I can explain it like this: I pictured myself always homeschooling my kids. I am still doing that. I don’t know why its so hard for me to even let her go to a public school for 4 days a week, 2 hours — but my oh my, its so hard. I guess I always thought that whatever was wrong, we could get through it together. I didn’t have to worry about boys touching her or some weird kid shooting up a school. I didn’t have to wonder what books were being read or the topics discussed. I could control most of that here. I kept her safe around her friends that are like minded. I protected her. And now I feel like I’m losing all of that. My daughter is naive. I like her that way. I’m not saying I always want her to be oblivious, but she doesn’t care about most of the crap that comes out of the mouths of 5th grade girls and boys. She is pure in heart. I read Matthew 5 and I think of her. She is meek, humble, and pure in heart. She’s got it. Maybe I’m afraid she’ll lose it. Maybe I’m afraid something terrible will happen. I’d never forgive myself if it did.

Today I got an email to come in and sign the service plan. I know this will mean shortly, maybe even next week, she will be entering the public school system. I just don’t feel she’s ready to take it all on. Yet, I don’t know what will happen if I don’t send her there. They have help that I can’t give. I have felt nothing but sadness about it. I know it should be done. I’m not saying that the public school can’t help her. I know they can. I just feel sad. Beyond sad.

I ran into another mom at church last Sunday.  She was telling me about a mom who went to three weeks of training and learned how to deal with her Aspergers son.  I feel like the homeschool community doesn’t like this whole public school stuff and honestly, I’m not very fond of it either.  I just see them offering so much help when I need it and the homeschool community offering nothing, except to go learn it yourself and be She-Woman, which I feel unqualified at this point to do.  I can’t be an occupational therapist, speech therapist, language arts and math teacher for special ed plus be a mom to my other two kids.  It just seems like a daunting thing to have to do.  So then I feel the guilt as if I should be doing all of that because when I do talk to the moms I know that homeschool, they react like I am giving my child poison.  It’s just so hard.  And to be fair, none of them have kids with autism or any other learning disability, so they have no idea where I’m coming from.  They just are giving me the “homeschool diet” of what not to do and how not to involve the public school system.  It is aggravating to me.  I am not made of money to go seek private help.  And private doesn’t always mean “Christian” either.  I had one mom tell me she went the “private” route and they treated her worse than the public school system did.  So there you go!

Anyway, all of this weighs heavy on me.  We are meeting tomorrow to sign those papers and I just feel a heavy burden.  I feel sad for my daughter.  It’s like she’s my test case.  I’m teetering on the edge, wondering will it work or will it fail?  Will she progress or digress?  Will it all be in vain?

I can only lean on God for strength.  It’s hard, but God is in it.  It’s difficult, but God is just.  I hang on to those promises because lately that is all I feel I have. And I’m thankful for the lessons learned through my oldest so I don’t have to be in the dark about my other kids.  If anything, I’m much more aware of what to look for now.

This encouraged me today – That’s My King.

For everything you have missed, you have gained something else. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Technorati Tags: Autism, children, school

Autism Spectrum Disorder.  That is what the school has found my 5th Grade daughter has.  My husband and I don’t completely agree on some things about this.  I don’t think its a disorder.  I think God made her that way and nothing He makes is a “disorder”.  Secondly, God uses things that we don’t understand for His glory.  And I’d bet my entire life on the fact that God is using this too for His glory.  I don’t know it or see it or understand it, but I know God is good and just.

What surprises me is really my feelings about all of it.  I’m not altogether surprised about it.  I mean, I’ve seen things about my daughter that some would consider quite strange.  I’ve protected her from things that I know she would be fearful of.  I’ve pulled her out of classes where the teacher was anything but understandable.  I’ve heard it all — she can’t read, she can’t hold a pencil, is she deaf?  Why is she so shy?  I kind of knew all along something was not right.  What does seem to bother me though is this feeling that my daughter is somehow damaged.  Try explaining to a 10 year old that there is nothing wrong with them, but we will be uprooting her life somewhat to go to school a few hours a day because she has something called “autism”.  Don’t worry though, there is nothing wrong with you.  She isn’t an idiot.  The world does think something is wrong with her.

I’ve been grappling with this.  Is there something really wrong with her or is all of us?  Do we need to be more sensitive to people instead of trying to change who they are?  Of course, my daughter needs some training.  She has a hard time socializing.  She needs some skills to help her develop in that area.  She needs to succeed in life.  I don’t deny that.  But she is hardly damaged goods.

I look at her sweet, sincere face and there are so many things right about her.  She loves Jesus.  She opens her Bible and reads it everyday.  She loves her siblings and is so thoughtful of all of them.  She will say she loves you about 5 times a day.  When you are hurt, she says “Mommy, what’s the matter?”  She cares so much.  She is the only one of my kids that is both thoughtful and obedient about 98% of the time.  She thinks before she speaks.  She is humble.  She is meek.  She might not be very social, but she loves those around her very much.  She hates writing, but she will take the time, no matter how laborious to write a letter to her Grandmother.  She is one of the kindest, sweetest, and most thoughtful 5th graders I know.  She doesn’t care about celebrities or musicians.  She doesn’t care about makeup and clothes and Hannah Montana or whatever the latest craze is.  The fact that she is naive makes her even more lovable.  The things she cares about and talks about reflects how much she loves God.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Now I realize that she is who she is to some degree because I followed the plan for our family that God had for us and homeschooled her.  For the last 5 years, she’s been under my wing and impressed by me.  She has not had loyalties to the public school system or any other person except for me and my husband.  God did a work in her life and used our family to do it.  He orchestrated it all.  So she is who she is because God did that.  But I find myself being a tad insecure with these next steps.  God orchestrated her path up to this point, why don’t I trust the rest of it?  The next steps are that she goes to the public school every day for a few hours a day.  It’s easy for me to think that I am somehow now feeding her to the dogs.  5th grade boys.  Need I say more?  Conversations will not reflect God.  Girls will gossip and talk about TV shows and music and boys.  I shutter.  It’s not that I want her to be isolated but some protection up to this point has been good for her.  She is growing into a young lady that loves her Father God.  I just feel like TV, music, and boys are huge distractions that she doesn’t need.

I know I need to trust that God will continue the good work in her that He started.  It wasn’t me.  It wasn’t homeschool.  It wasn’t a good church.  It was God.  I’m struggling with it all.  I want to keep her under my wing and never let her fly free, but I must.  Watching your kids grow up and become independent is somewhat a scary thing.  You want to protect them from everything, but you cannot.  For me, I am comforted that God is never out of reach.  His hand is never far away.  His guiding force is always there.  He is a God that has carried me through many trials and He will carry my daughter too.  He made her this way for good purpose.  I’m so glad He uses the weak things of this world for His glory.

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 1 Corinthians 1:27

Technorati Tags: Autism, children, school