Michelle Buck

I haven’t been feeling very good this week.  I am taking medication for depression and it actually is making me feel worse. I have something like vertigo and sometimes I’m nauseous.   I certainly don’t feel “better”.  Frankly, I’d rather feel depressed because now I feel depressed and sick all at the same time.  Bummer.

One of the things that has made me depressed, beside the fact that my mom is gone, is how my family has acted through this whole thing.  My sister and I are the youngest of the siblings, yet my older siblings have not been there for us at all.  Some of them have belittled us, some have gone into hiding, and others just act nice to our face but then run their mouths to other people about how we did them wrong.  Many people in our family didn’t even show up to the graveside service and I am sure it was because of the false rumors that have been spread.  On top of that, not one of my in-laws even bothered to show their face.  My husbands cousins were the only ones that came and his aunt called me and we chatted.  Other than that, I kind of feel like I always do with them — like they don’t give a crap.

It makes me mad.  When my mother in law died, I was always asking if they needed help, always trying to do things and letting them stay at our place and taking my sister in law shopping.  I just feel like now that my mom is gone, who cares?  I should just suffer alone.  If it wasn’t for my friends and my sister, I think I would be in a deeper hole than I’m already in.  Most of my family and my in-laws are a huge disappointment.  We’ve been there for them, but when push comes to shove, they bail.  The truth is I feel abandoned.  And that sucks.

It’s up to me to get my mom’s things in order, its up to me to go to her place day after day even though everytime I’m there, I feel sick.  It’s up to me to walk past that bathroom I found her in and remove items from that place when all I want to do is lay down and die with her.  Every remnant of her will soon be gone and her things don’t mean anything to me.  No one is willing to help me through this part of it with the exception of my triplet sister, but they have the nerve to request items of my mom’s.  I feel like giving it all to Goodwill or putting it on the curb with a “Free” sign.  My mom didn’t have anything worth taking.  She lived simply and humbly.  They left me with a mess to clean up with no offer of help, no assistance whatsoever.  I planned her entire service and luncheon and 2 other people helped me in my family — but the oldest kids, the ones who were supposedly the closest to my mom (yeah right) haven’t even lifted a dang finger except to swipe her money and photos from her apartment.

This is the justice part of me again.  I hate this whole injustice to my mom’s memory.  I don’t feel like “killing them with kindness”.  I just feel like “killing them” and not in a physical way, but killing them by never talking or associating with them again.  They are all dead to me anyway.  Who does that to their younger sibling?  Who steals from their dead mother?  Who does this crap?  My family.  My mom used to tell me all the time…pretty much anytime I got into a big fight with one of my siblings, she would say “disengage”, meaning don’t talk to them or associate with them right now.  If she was here, she would be so mad at how they were acting.  But that doesn’t matter…she is gone.   Our family is a mess.

There is no real point to this post.  I just feel totally abandoned by all of them and mad that my in-laws have been so distant and cold.  This is stuff that is hard to forgive and I’ll always remember it.  I’ll remember who showed up to my mom’s funeral and I’ll remember who didn’t even bother to call or send a card.  I might be able to forgive those people someday, but I’ll never trust them again.  My list of people I trust is getting smaller and smaller every day.

Technorati Tags: depression, family