I was on Albert Mohler’s blog today reading about a woman who adopted from Russia, but then sent the child back. His article focused on failed adoptions and compared it with the gospel message about God adopting us, which is eternal and irreversible. His message was a good one.
However, I found myself getting hung up on this whole “returning child to Russia” thing. If you are a new reader on this blog, then you probably don’t know that my husband and I had tried to adopt last year. Our social worker was a cruel, mean lady. She put us through the wringer. Because we discipline our children *biblically*, she did everything but accuse us of child abuse. We also homeschool. Later I found out that social workers look for some red flags with abuse and one is homeschool; the other is “corporal punishment” which is another nasty way of saying “I spank my kids”. We decided having someone like this enter our home and questioning our kids (which is part of the adoption process) was not a good idea. We couldn’t risk our children just to save one. We felt God had closed this door.
With that said, I am shocked and surprised that this mother made it through the entire, grueling process of adopting only to say that it was too hard and that her adopted son didn’t love her so she was sending him back. When we were going to adopt, we learned all about foster children and adoptive kids who were going to need extra special attention. These kids were not always sweet. They had been through so much. To this day, my heart sinks that our adoption didn’t work out. I would have loved to take in a child, but I also realize that adoption isn’t always pretty. These kids have been neglected, abused, and come with many special needs. It isn’t that they can’t love. It’s that they have never been loved.
It surprises me with all the classes and training and meetings with social workers, that this lady was given the OK to adopt. It kind of makes me mad. Our biggest flaw was that we spanked our kids. Apparently this woman wanted a child that showed her affection and she wasn’t even willing to wait around to see the end results of that. She threw in the towel and sent him back to where he came. The family’s decision might cost future adoptions in Russia to cease. In the least, adoption are on hold in Russia presently.
It’s times like these where I feel the weight of how warped this world is. I feel like right is wrong and good is bad. I feel like values and morals and care are replaced by what is popular, feels good, and looks good. It’s sad. It breaks my heart. I feel a little disappointed as I look inside myself and sometimes even think that things like this reflect on me or my family because our adoption fell through and failed. I have feelings of how it isn’t fair. What if we would have adopted that child? I think that we would have done better if given the opportunity…and so many other thoughts travel through my mind about it all.
Mostly, I just feel sad for this child. What will this do to him in the end? What kind of life will this kid have now? He was thrown away, unwanted, abandoned…by the people who were supposed to be prepared for all of it because that is the adoption law. They failed him. Sadly, I feel like as good as adoption is and can be, the system is failing both kids and prospective adoptive parents. The laws are often too strict–anything from being too old, not married long enough, too many kids already, etc–and the financial burden is high. Children who want to be adopted should be cute, well mannered, and lovable. It’s like picking out a puppy from the pet shop.
Of course, there are plenty of adoptive parents who do not feel this way and somehow managed to make it through and adopt children, even children that require quite a bit of care. I know God uses these families and I’m grateful for the work He is doing with adoptions around the globe. Even so, I find that there are many messages about why Christians should adopt, but not nearly enough support for those that do. If there was, maybe we would have been able to adopt (with wise counsel) and maybe this woman would have either never adopted, or chosen to keep her son(with strong support). In the end, I realize its all in God’s capable hands and I pray that this child finds a home where he is both loved and cared for, as Christ calls us all to love.
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