Autism Spectrum Disorder. That is what the school has found my 5th Grade daughter has. My husband and I don’t completely agree on some things about this. I don’t think its a disorder. I think God made her that way and nothing He makes is a “disorder”. Secondly, God uses things that we don’t understand for His glory. And I’d bet my entire life on the fact that God is using this too for His glory. I don’t know it or see it or understand it, but I know God is good and just.
What surprises me is really my feelings about all of it. I’m not altogether surprised about it. I mean, I’ve seen things about my daughter that some would consider quite strange. I’ve protected her from things that I know she would be fearful of. I’ve pulled her out of classes where the teacher was anything but understandable. I’ve heard it all — she can’t read, she can’t hold a pencil, is she deaf? Why is she so shy? I kind of knew all along something was not right. What does seem to bother me though is this feeling that my daughter is somehow damaged. Try explaining to a 10 year old that there is nothing wrong with them, but we will be uprooting her life somewhat to go to school a few hours a day because she has something called “autism”. Don’t worry though, there is nothing wrong with you. She isn’t an idiot. The world does think something is wrong with her.
I’ve been grappling with this. Is there something really wrong with her or is all of us? Do we need to be more sensitive to people instead of trying to change who they are? Of course, my daughter needs some training. She has a hard time socializing. She needs some skills to help her develop in that area. She needs to succeed in life. I don’t deny that. But she is hardly damaged goods.
I look at her sweet, sincere face and there are so many things right about her. She loves Jesus. She opens her Bible and reads it everyday. She loves her siblings and is so thoughtful of all of them. She will say she loves you about 5 times a day. When you are hurt, she says “Mommy, what’s the matter?” She cares so much. She is the only one of my kids that is both thoughtful and obedient about 98% of the time. She thinks before she speaks. She is humble. She is meek. She might not be very social, but she loves those around her very much. She hates writing, but she will take the time, no matter how laborious to write a letter to her Grandmother. She is one of the kindest, sweetest, and most thoughtful 5th graders I know. She doesn’t care about celebrities or musicians. She doesn’t care about makeup and clothes and Hannah Montana or whatever the latest craze is. The fact that she is naive makes her even more lovable. The things she cares about and talks about reflects how much she loves God. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Now I realize that she is who she is to some degree because I followed the plan for our family that God had for us and homeschooled her. For the last 5 years, she’s been under my wing and impressed by me. She has not had loyalties to the public school system or any other person except for me and my husband. God did a work in her life and used our family to do it. He orchestrated it all. So she is who she is because God did that. But I find myself being a tad insecure with these next steps. God orchestrated her path up to this point, why don’t I trust the rest of it? The next steps are that she goes to the public school every day for a few hours a day. It’s easy for me to think that I am somehow now feeding her to the dogs. 5th grade boys. Need I say more? Conversations will not reflect God. Girls will gossip and talk about TV shows and music and boys. I shutter. It’s not that I want her to be isolated but some protection up to this point has been good for her. She is growing into a young lady that loves her Father God. I just feel like TV, music, and boys are huge distractions that she doesn’t need.
I know I need to trust that God will continue the good work in her that He started. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t homeschool. It wasn’t a good church. It was God. I’m struggling with it all. I want to keep her under my wing and never let her fly free, but I must. Watching your kids grow up and become independent is somewhat a scary thing. You want to protect them from everything, but you cannot. For me, I am comforted that God is never out of reach. His hand is never far away. His guiding force is always there. He is a God that has carried me through many trials and He will carry my daughter too. He made her this way for good purpose. I’m so glad He uses the weak things of this world for His glory.
But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 1 Corinthians 1:27
Stay and read more:
Friday, February 5th, 2010, 10:42 am | 
Christian Walk, Home Education, family life | 
RSS feed
Comments and pings are currently closed.
February 5, 2010 at 1:51 pm
I appreciate your honesty when you say that you’ve been grappling w/ this issue. No doubt God had homeschooling in mind for your family, its instilled things like faith, character, unselfishness, and a love for God and his word. I would just encourage you to look at some of the changes as God’s plan too. The things you’ve instilled in her will be a guide for her when she’s a school for few hours and home will always be he protective or safe zone. More opportunities to teach her will definately come your way. Like loving the lost, discernmenship when other kids may be doing something your family doesn’t approve of, how to make friends, etc.
I certainly can’t tell you the answers …..or specifically tell you I know what you are going through. Because I don’t. I don’t have learning disorders and I can relate some in that aspect ……but one thing your daughter has is you in her corner to uplift her and support her. THAT’S HUGE. Your homeschooling won’t stop ….it just means that for a few hours others will teach her w/ experience in the area of learning disorders. If it wasn’t for you in the first place …….as her advocate …..these problems might of not gotten noticed.
I love your scripture reference by the way.
I would encourage you to encourage your daughter that this is going to be a blessing , and that she is a blessing. That she’s is so valuable and there isn’t a single thing wrong with her. Just that her brain is wired differently from others in some areas so these people will be in our lives ……that God will use them to help show her how her brain can learn best.
February 5, 2010 at 2:59 pm
Your thoughts are right on. I know they are right, its just getting there is hard. Trusting others is not easy, but really I need to trust God to care for her. Sooner or later it happens to all kids…you need to let them go little by little because you can’t keep them forever. Well its easy to think that the day won’t come, but yet there it is. Sooner than I imagined for sure. But this is good because its only 2-3 hours and the rest of the day is still with me. Then Sunday is church. She’s still getting good things into her life during the week and so its not all bad. Just gotta let go of some of the control of it and that is hard. Thanks for your encouragement!
February 6, 2010 at 9:03 am
I’ll be praying for your mama heart. Slowly letting go is not easy – I’ve had to start, too, and I don’t like it. I’ll also be praying for your daughter. That God would protect her precious heart and that in her meekness and tenderness she would be a shining example to those around her. I hope it’s a good experience for all involved. ((((Hugs))))
February 6, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Transition is a tough thing. It’s hard to make moves sometimes even if they’re for the right reason. Just keep on trucking, your daughter needs to see that your okay with this and she’ll draw her strength from you……so she’ll be okay too.
February 7, 2010 at 9:19 am
Thanks Tanya & J. I’ll get through it