Til Death do us part. You were made for one another. You complete me.
Sigh.
Really? Lately I don’t feel any of it except for maybe the death thing. My days consist of needy children and tons of stress, cleaning house, and trying to make the people in my life not mad at me. I feel like a slave. There is no me anymore.
I used to love a lot of things. I liked poetry, music, and nature. Now the closest thing I get to that is listening to my child’s rendition of “Jesus loves me” and watching them run around like wild animals. I don’t regret my kids. I just feel like this is it.
This house would not run without me here. My husband does things, sure. But the last 5 years he’s been in school and my life has been nothing but pure chaos. In fact, he’s been in school on and off my entire 11 1/2 years of marriage and frankly, it sucks. When he is in school, he’s just focused on that. He doesn’t get enough sleep. He acts like a complete jerk. I asked him a question this morning and got my head bit off. And somehow he’s going to “make it up” to me when he’s done in June. I hardly think so. Because frankly, I’m bitter. I’m angry at all the nights I went to bed by myself and he rolled his rear up there at 3am. I’m angry at all the times he yelled at the kids to be quiet when they were just being kids. I’m angry at all the times I needed him and he brushed me off with a pat answer because he was just too busy for me. I can’t tell you how many times we were invited to social things and we had to say NO because of his school. Now, I’ve come to a place where I’m even more angry because now he is using his school as an excuse not to go to church. My kids see this of course and don’t want to go to church either.
Yesterday I went to church completely by myself. I usually take a kid along, but none of them wanted to come with me. I drove 25 minutes in complete silence, except for the sound of the car. I sat through the pre-school class, the entire time just wanting to break down and cry. That I did, all the way home. My life is not my own anymore. This is not what I imagined when I said “I do”. Of course, it never is. But this just seems so isolating and lonely. It feels like I’m married to a robot who goes to work, comes home and does school. I hate it.
It would be ok if he was content to get a B, but he never will. He can’t stand being less than perfect. Funny how that works. His marriage is less than perfect, but he could care less. Gotta get that stinking A. UGH. And he won’t make time for church, but he’ll make time to play basketball or watch the game. I just want to scream.
I’ve come to the conclusion at this point, that I am just here serving a role. It shouldn’t be that way, but that is how it is. I can’t make him be a husband who puts his family first. I can’t make him care about me more than an A. And I also can’t make myself not be bitter. It is what it is. I’ve been replaced by school work, sports and a computer. Whatever was of ME is gone and now I’m just here to make sure everyone else is happy, but me. I guess that is the gospel or so I’ve been told. Give of yourself. Spend yourself. Ok, been there, done that. What’s left? Oh yeah, right…heaven. Well heaven can take me anyday now because this world sucks. True story.
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Monday, February 8th, 2010, 8:58 am | 
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February 8, 2010 at 11:35 pm
i wish that i had some awesome advice and/or encouraging words. but i don’t want to give you those pat answers that so many others do. just know that you can always vent to this girl. that’s what friends are for.
February 9, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Since a large part of this blog is a marriage issue I certainly don’t feel qualified to comment on much. I just genuinely hope you and your husband can find a harmony together.
February 9, 2010 at 3:12 pm
thanks.
February 10, 2010 at 12:09 am
MB;
Being a full time Mom is one of the greatest gifts of our time. Don’t waste it. My wife Peggy was a full time mom for her kids, then assumed the job for her daughter’s children. She raves about the experience. Of course, I am speaking like a man, so that may not mean much to you.
Your husband will live with regrets someday. I have my own regrets that came to me after Barb died. There is so much I would do differently today, if I could live those moments over.
I can see your husband’s point of view about his education. He appears to be driven and focused on the goal. His desire to provide for his family hangs on his performance in school. He has chosen to neglect your needs as part of his rationale to finish. It doesn’t make it right. His neglect may be the regret that comes back to haunt him. I would like to think that he will snap out of it when he does finish. Whether he does or not may depend on how you react to him.
As far as going to church alone, think of it this way:. It is “me” time. Rather than look upon it as abandonment, look forward to it as your alone time with God.
Your Blog is another “me” time effort. Your effect on readers may never be known to you. Therefore your efforts seem futile. I can say for myself that you impress me with your ability to speak openly about your faith and God. That impresses me. i am a lot older than you, but have never been able to express my faith in God so eloquently.
Keep the faith, and look for ways to make your life and marriage fresh and exciting.
February 10, 2010 at 12:28 am
Drama over, for now. I just needed to vent yesterday and that I did. Thanks for your words. I can’t change things but yes, I can try to be more positive or see them from a different angle. It is what it is. Thanks for the compliment as well. I don’t always feel like my blog helps anyone. I am pretty cynical. I try not to be, but I am. Sometimes my words come out sideways and sound stupid and mean and self centered. And yes, I can be all those things and much more. But thanks for taking the time to write what you did. I appreciate all comments. Then I know I’m not talking like a maniac to myself