Archive for ‘God’s Sovereignty’

August 23rd, 2010

Do you know me?

by MB

Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized how little I spend time praying.  Sad really.  Prayer is very close to God’s heart and without prayer, how can God be glorified in my life?  I was trying to come up with ways God has answered prayers in my life as I read Psalms last night and I realized, I never really ask for things.  It’s not like I NEVER pray.  But I think up to this point, I just feel like God does not answer my prayers.  Maybe its just something in me.  This overall distrust of who God is.  I say that not to say that this thinking is right, but something that God has been showing me over the last few weeks.  I don’t trust God.  The truth is, God does answer prayers, but not how I want Him too.  The issue here is pride and pride (thinking I know better than God does…or that I know God at all) is not something I want in my heart.  But there it is.  Aren’t you glad you know me? (ha ha).

So my list of answered prayers is next to nil.  So apparently, me taking over isn’t helping either.  Why do I think that if I don’t pray, that my desires will be granted?  What is it in me that thinks God is not big enough to take whatever my circumstance is and do something great with it?  Well, I could dig deep and find answers.  There are probably many reasons.  It just boils down to me not trusting who God is.  It’s a flawed view of His character.  I can quote Bible verses all day long, but in the end, do I really believe them?  I so want to.  But I can’t make my own heart change.

All of this to say, I’ve been making more of an effort to “make my requests known” to God.  For my family, for my friends, for homeschooling, for my feelings and my sorrows, for my thankfulness, for the people that surround my life and cause me both joy and grief…and throughout my day I try to remember that nothing is too little or too big for me to speak to God about.  It’s an attitude of prayer.  Unfortunately, I think many of us feel that talking to God is a once a day event or maybe a once a week event.  We don’t think that God wants us to speak to Him in prayer throughout the day.  I don’t mean like a crazy person talking to oneself.  I mean that in our hearts, no matter where we are, asking God to help us with whatever it is.  I must admit, I get much too busy for God and think I do not need to speak to Him.  I sometimes forget that God is right here with me.  I wish that I would just get it!  I wish that I always knew that He was right here and didn’t feel it was every inappropriate to go to Him; or that I was too good for that kind of thing.

I’m a head knowledge kind of girl I guess. I know a lot of things about God.  I’ve been hearing biblical stuff, both true and false ideas, since I was a little kid.   I’m almost 33 now.  I still feel I don’t know His character very well.  I know about Him, but I don’t feel I know Him. There is a difference.  I have read the Bible plenty, but with blinders on.  When you have blinders on, you don’t take in too much.  You know things…maybe lots of things about the Bible.  Has it sunk in?  Can you apply it when necessary?  I don’t think I can very well.  I struggle with it being a heart knowledge thing.  Yet in the end, I see this in myself and I hate it.  I do want God to change me and I do want to be able to  trust God in everything, but I’m not quite there yet.  Not sure how to get over something so huge and flawed.  How do some people just get it and others don’t?  I feel like every bit of my walk with God has been a fight….a fight to know who He really is and to know Him and to keep on seeking Him.  Does anyone else ever feel this way?

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August 17th, 2010

Thank you

by MB

Today I’m thankful.

Thankful that God sheds light on the dark places of my heart.

Thankful that what seems impossible is no longer.

Thankful that God’s mercies are new, every single morning.

Thankful that God is teaching me in this season to pray, pray, pray…and the importance of that.

Thankful for my children who continue to test, challenge, and try me but all for God’s glory and for my good.

Thankful that I am getting more organized even if I still have a long way to go.

Thankful that God has given me a new purpose as I homeschool my kids another year (this is my 6th year into it).

Thankful for my husband, even though we have our bad moments, that he still loves me and I him even after 12 years.

Thankful for God’s word that purifies our hearts and speaks to me when I am facing trials and tribulations.

Thankful that my laundry pile is dwindling.

Thankful that my school room is coming together and I’m actually excited to start school (and so are the kids!)

Thankful for clean slates….new school year, new chances to grow, new chances to learn and another chance to be what God has called me to be.

Thankful for my new Bible.  What a blessing.

Thankful for answers whether they be in the form of what I expected or not.

Thankful that I am understanding autism more and how to deal with it, even if I still fail most days.

Thankful for a God that never leaves nor forsakes me despite the messes that I get myself in.  Thankful that He is the Creator of all things and that He holds everything in His hands.   He never falls asleep or gets weary.  He knows every detail about everything and even though my mind can’t grasp His power and intellect, He is indeed worthy of my praise.

Thankful that I am truly never orphaned even if both my parents are now gone…because I have a God that knows me better than my Dad and Mom ever did and He will never cease to be.  He has been and always will be My Heavenly Father who lavishes His love upon me, and I deserve none of it.

Thankful today for God’s promises and His love.

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August 6th, 2010

Sleeping through a tornado

by MB

My husband has a really annoying habit of turning on a movie and then falling asleep 5 minutes into it.  I’m always the one who doesn’t want to watch the movie in the first place, but then its on and I can’t go to sleep (I’m such an auditory person…any noise will keep me awake).  I start talking to him and I look over and he’s practically snoring.  It drives me insane.

When I was pregnant with my children, there was an ongoing joke in our house that I would be driving myself to the hospital because my husband can sleep through a tornado.  If I need his help and he’s sleeping, I might as well forget about it.  I literally have to scream in order for him to wake up.  It’s like he’s half dead.

It’s easy for us to think of God like this too.  We try to fit Him in some kind of human box and make Him more like us.  We think He isn’t listening.  We think we need to speak louder or more often.  We might pray about something, but we think God doesn’t care so we go try our own methods of getting what we want.  We play games with our own thoughts thinking God is not listening.  Worse yet, we don’t think God can see us or that He knows our hearts.  How can God be everywhere?  We can’t fathom that God is someone who is beyond our comprehension.  He can’t possibly know that I did that.  He can’t possibly know what I’m thinking.

Psalms 121:2-4 says:

My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

I was thinking about this verse where it says “he…will neither slumber or sleep”. I was trying to figure out if God was trying to be repetitive. I looked up the word slumber. It of course means to sleep. It also means “A state of inactivity or dormancy.” That got me thinking about how God is always moving, always active, always playing a hand in each step of our lives. God is not inactive. He doesn’t sleep. There is nothing that He doesn’t know about. There is no small detail left to fate. God knows it all.

Stop for a second and think about this powerful truth. God knows every thought, deed, unspoken word, circumstance, and heart issue you are dealing with. He doesn’t just know it in this moment, He knows it from the moment He formed you. He knows what every day, ever minute, every second of your life has been so far and He knows what is to come. There is nothing that gets overlooked and nothing left untouched. God isn’t sleeping. God does not slumber. He has a very active hand in your comings and goings. He knows where your steps lead and where they have taken you.

I am going to choose to believe this truth today. God knows me. He knows my deepest hurts and my greatest joys. He knows what is to come. Thank you God for knowing me better than I know myself. We are loved by an all knowing God. Breath that in.

Proverbs 16:9 “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”

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August 4th, 2010

Back to school basics

by MB

It’s hard for me to set goals lately or even think too far into the future. Sometimes I can’t recall what I did yesterday. Pretty normal stuff when you are in grief. But the days are inching closer to the start of when I need to start school and I thought I’d write a post about why I homeschool my kids. Now before doing so, I must put this out there: if you don’t homeschool – no worries. I really am not about attacking people nor does one need to get all riled up because they don’t homeschool. I just know for our family, it is what works. But I also have to remind myself why I do it at all because there are days and months where I just feel like “Why am I doing this?” As with any ministry or fulfilling job that you feel called to do, there are probably more bad days than good. But we can’t see the fruit of it yet. Someday we will. And just because something is easier, doesn’t mean it should be so. I think this is true of home education.

1) We homeschool because we want our kids to have a close relationship with God. We feel that this is the most important thing. Of course, this can be taught in private school too but really it starts at home. I must admit, this is a scary thing for me. My kids are around me all. the. time. So, they see the worst of me probably more so than the best of me. They see the awfulness of my sin. But in a way, this is a great thing. It’s really a great thing for them to see me being awful. You know why? Because after I’m awful, I know I’m being awful and I show them by being humble that God forgives.

This is a really key thing that I must remind myself. Yes, I’m awful. We all are. But God in His great mercy chooses to forgive me. And He forgive their awfulness too. So if they are seeing my awfulness, humility, repentence, and then reconciliation with them, they are seeing something huge. They are seeing something imperfect and horrible become forgiven. And they are forgiven too. And this plays out daily in our lives. There are lots of ways for me to show my horrible sin nature and lots of reasons for me to ask them to forgive me. Not only that, but between each other too. And with all of this going on, this relationship, difficult stuff, they are daily reminded of their need for God and how God is all that He says He is. There are so many other aspects like praying for others, fights between siblings that become mended, heart issues, etc that we deal with daily. It’s hard not to teach them about God in it. And when they see that, they see so much. So it doesn’t have to be this thing where I’m super mom. It’s me being humble and asking God to help me throughout my day and when things fall as they do, God picks the pieces up. The kids see that. The kids know God.

And of course, we teach the kids about the Bible.  We use My Father’s World which does a really nice job of showing God throughout the subjects that are taught.  I like that “Bible” isn’t just a subject.  It’s a way of life…it’s the foundation that everything else builds upon.  It’s the springboard for all other things that go on in our day and without it, we have nothing.  Any other way would just be fruitless education in the room of our house.

2) We homeschool because we care about the atmosphere of learning. Go to any school and you will find desks of students.  Some students will be enthralled with whatever the teacher is teaching.  Other students will have a blank stare and no clue what the teacher is talking about.  There might be 20 students in that class, but only 60% are actually doing well in the class.  I’m not about to get down on teachers for this because how can one person adapt to 20 children?  They can’t.  But as a homeschool mom, you bet I can do that for my kids.  One child in my house hates noise.  The other child likes workbooks and probably would thrive in a school setting.  My other child is the noise in which my first child hates (ha ha).  This is an obvious frustration at home, but not an impossible one.  What I have learned to do is teach the child who hates noise, get her started and then tell her to pick a place to do her homework that is quiet.  The other daughter who loves workbooks is already started on her work and I don’t need to do much.  She’s a go-getter.  My youngest loud child then gets Mom for 20 minutes so I read to him on the couch.

I can’t imagine how my oldest, noise hating daughter would be like in an average class setting.  She does go to public school 2 hours a day for special ed classes, but there are only 6 kids including her.  It’s manageable.  She’s not in a class of 20 or so kids getting lost in the crowd.  She’s doing well in subjects like history, science, and Art.  She has the opportunity to grow because any hurdles she has gets addressed right away.  Of course, homeschool is not perfect.  Some kids can fall behind and my daughter was, but thankfully God showed us what she needed at just the right time and now she’s progressing.  We know we can change things to suit our kids.  Our class isn’t a one-size-fits-all.  We adapt.  We grow.  We change.  We move forward.

3) We homeschool because we want our children to have positive friendships and relationships. I mentioned our family above.  Let me go a step further and say that my kids are best friends.  Yes, they have moments and sometimes days where they get on each other’s nerves, but they love each other so much.  They are buds.  There are many teachable moments in parenting and this doesn’t end when kids go to school.  It’s just the beginning!  When I think of all the heart-to-heart conversations I’ve had with my kids and all the correction and heart training they would not have received had they not been homeschooled, I am thankful.  Are my kids perfect?  By no means. They have faults.  Have you read this blog?  Their mom is at the top of the fault list!  But we work through it.  If we were perfect, we would have no need for God.

To expand on this, my kids have friendships that are positive ones.  The kids they hang out with are not lying, cheating, swearing, disrespectful kids.  In fact, they are quite the opposite.  They don’t just have good manners.  They have morals.  They aren’t just kind, they love others and forgive.  There is a big difference.  And I’m thankful for the relationships my kids have developed.

Socialization is always a big question towards homeschooling families.  My take is that when kids learn to interact with their own family first, then friends, then others (church, groups, and other activities), they gain a whole lot of socialization skills.  Socialization is not an issue anymore.  Sure you will hear your stupid stories of parents who abused their kids and homeschooled them, but the media tends to play those stories up.  Homeschooled kids are just as social, if not more, than “normal” kids who are not homeschooled.  Sure there are weird kids but their are weird kids in public school too.

4.) We homeschool because we feel called to raise up a Godly generation. Deuteronomy 6:5-9 says, “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”  This is our verse for our school.  This is the reason we homeschool our kids.  This is why we do what we do.  We believe homeschool is the best way for our kids to learn about God in all aspects, not just as a simple subject in passing, but in everything they do.  In 1 Corinthians 10:31, it says “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”  I am finding the more I homeschool, the more I see God in everything.  Learning about everything He created and the plans that He has ordained for me and for my kids, allows me to know Him much deeper.  When we know God and we learn His ways and we love Him, we can serve Him in ways we never imagined.  I think homeschool is the head-start, the inspiration, the springboard into loving God more fully.  And although no school is perfect nor am I guaranteed results, I know that these days will never be wasted.  It will not return void. I believe this promise for our homeschool from Isaiah 55:10-12:

As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

I feel more goal-oriented. How about you? Do you set goals for your children/family/self and check to see how you are doing? How do you evaluate and keep these goals in mind throughout the year?

(PS-The picture above was taken the very first day I homeschooled my girls.  This is my 6th year.  How time flies by.  Difficulties are always the norm, but God is good)

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August 3rd, 2010

Without excuse

by MB

Lately, I hate silence.  Silence means I have to hear my own thoughts.  Silence means that I can’t drown out the world with noise like TV, computer, or music.  Silence means that I might actually hear God speak to me….something I might not want to hear Him say.

Silence also follows me when I lay my head down at night.  The room is eerily quiet.  I am faced with my own memories.  Like a broken record, it plays.  And silence means I have to listen to whatever my thoughts might say because I can’t drown them out.  They are there, waiting to be heard.  As you can imagine, this makes me not really want to go to sleep.  And that’s a really hard way to live.

I think sometimes its easy to drown out God too.  We distract ourselves.  We play loud music.  We over stimulate our senses so we don’t have to hear anything.  We don’t want to hear what God is saying to us.

I like the lyrics of Audrey Assad’s song “For love of you” where she sings “You live in a million places, your fingerprints can be seen on a million faces.  There is a trace of you in every Hallelujah, every song that I sing.”  How often do we realize that God speaks to us — through our kids, through nature, through His word, through our experiences…we try to drown it out, but He is not going anywhere.

Romans 1 speaks about this when we read “For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. 19For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. 20For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. 21For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.”

We are without excuse.  God is revealing Himself to us daily....in each moment.  We can try as hard as we can to drown Him out or ignore Him, but He is speaking loudly.  Are we listening?  Do we care what God has to say to us in this moment?

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