Archive for ‘family life’

August 24th, 2010

I miss you more

by MB

It’s a little harder this year.  Today is the day I became fatherless 21 years ago.  Today is the day when my world changed and I lost someone of great significance.  Today is the day a little girl had to grow up too fast.

I have learned to cope.  Sure.  I have grown.  I think 21 years will do that to a person.  But today is somehow harder.  Today is the first day my dad’s death rolled around and I realized that both my mom and dad are gone.  They sit in the same cemetery, buried in the same dirt, with the same patch of grass growing over them.  They might even both be in heaven, but I am not sure.  Only God knows that.

Maybe its because I realize how much I have forgotten about my dad.  I remember his face clearly, but I don’t recall all the little ways he cared about me.  21 years makes things disappear from one’s mind.  Simple things like drives to the lake or going out for hot cocoa or putting up the Christmas tree.  I grew up without a dad to tell me about boys, watch me graduate high school, or give me away at my wedding.  21 years of birthdays, Christmas, and Father’s Days void of my dad.  All the little things I would have loved to see and do with my dad died the day he left this earth.

Today is harder because I can’t say to myself “Oh I still have my mom.”  Today is harder because she is gone and I must go through the process as I did with my dad.  Learning to cope.  Forgetting little things about her.   In 21 years, will I still remember her?  Or will I just be ok with the fact that she is gone?

My dad lost his parents at a young age too.  His dad died first.  Then his mom years later.   Today is harder because now I know what he felt too.  And I don’t think he ever got over it.

I miss you.

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August 20th, 2010

Ramblings

by MB

I’d like to say I’m through being angry.  I’m done being mad at my family.  I’m not at all disgusted with the way my mom’s ministry was handled.  It doesn’t bother me.  I’m over it.  I’m fine.  I’m great.  They are forgiven.  I have moved on.  I am a new person.  I’m not bitter.  Glory to God, I have victory!

but….

I can’t say those things.  Because I’m still angry.  My heart still hurts.  I’m disappointed.  I’ve been abandoned.  And when I think of how I was wronged, it sucks.  Every night I pray to God and ask Him to help me not be angry at them, but every day I am.  I think of something they did and I’m back in that moment again.  Angry.  Wishing I could change things.  Wishing I had taken revenge in some way.  Wishing destruction would befall them.

And I can say that I don’t feel like those things define me.  Those people and the lies they told, the way they acted…those don’t make up who I am and my world doesn’t tend to revolve around them.  But when I think about them in any way, I’m taken back to the day when my mom died or taken back to when things went sour and I’m mad.  Is it righteous anger?  Probably not.  I’m not mad that they offended God.  I probably should be.  I’m more mad that they dishonored my mom.  I think of how unfair it all is.  How she sacrificed herself for these dopes and what did it get her?  In this life, nothing.  But maybe so much in her new life.  It’s so hard to see the big picture.

I miss her face.  I just miss her.  What will my days be like without her?  More of this.  More of telling my daughter not to cry.  More of me pretending that I’m fine.   Little things remind me so much of her — weird stuff like scrubbing floors, going to Staples, and driving by Burger King.  And I know my life isn’t over, but in a sense it is.  Who I was is gone.  And there’s a hole in my heart that only was meant for her.  And now she’s gone and it feels so much like I died.

Will I ever get over this anger?  This doubting?  This inability to wrap my head around how this happened?  I never really got past my brother committing suicide so this…should be a cake walk.  I don’t know.  It just leaves new scars that’s all.  Sometimes I just think of her smile and her laugh and the way she would call and say “helllllloooo” and I feel like she is still here.  My brain doesn’t want to deal with that other stuff.  How does one deal “with that other stuff” anyway?  I never have been a pro at losing people in my life whether by death or whatever.

I just miss her…no matter how normal I try to get back to being…my heart hurts.  And will God ever allow a time in my life when it does not hurt?  Will He let me come up for air long enough to feel anything other than pain?  Or is this my lot in life…to be in continual pain over losses upon losses?  I’m beginning to think that suffering is the norm for me.  I’m not liking this plan God.  Explain “be joyful in all circumstances” because I’m not getting that one.

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August 12th, 2010

Row this boat ashore

by MB

Switching gears…but first, I was not mad at anyone in my last post.  Sometimes I get annoyed, but I wasn’t mad. And I try to see where people are coming from and somedays that is hard for me, but please don’t think I’m upset at any of you.  I know that we all walk different paths.  I think its hard for me to see things through rose colored glasses because my life has not been easy.  I’ve grown cynical.  It’s a fight, really a battle, for me to be joyful.  For others, they were born with it and exuded it from day one.  I know others have had a much harder life than mine and still can be joyful, but I really think that because of my genetics, my history, and how things just seem to roll in my life, that it is a battle to fight for joy.  I am what you would call “melancholy” and I have been that way my whole life.  So I’m sorry to those who don’t understand that.  And I’m sorry if I come off as mad.  That is just me.  I’m not mad.  And I know you aren’t being self-righteous :)

I really tried to go into this whole boat trip with a good attitude.  I’m sorry…I just couldn’t.  LOL.  Ok, so I’m thankful that I did not get sick. I’m thankful that I got to at least talk to my husband without children in the car on the way there and on the way home.  Not so much while we were on the boat from hell, but something is better than nothing.  Even though I did not get sick, I was nauseated.  The amount of computer talk and sales pitches and hot air was just too much for this girl to take.  I endured it with a smile, but it wasn’t all that fun.  There were some moments where I got to at least take a few pictures and got to go outside the boat and away from the wind bags but that was short lived.  So without further ado, here’s some pictures.  You can pretend I had a good time…lol.

During the end, I wanted to get off and my husband was talking to some salesman and I was sitting by myself and I saw the clouds outside and the river (it was on the Mississippi) and I had a quick thought about how I wanted to call my mom and tell her how weird this whole thing was, but then suddenly remembered she was gone.  She would have said “Well, at least you got out for a few hours” because my mom always found the positive in things even if it annoyed the crap out of me.  It was hard for long to be negative around her.  And I miss that because she never said she was right or better than me.  She just was a great example of someone who didn’t let things get the best of her.  Not sure if I will ever make it to that point.  But I love that she was like that.

Then we got off the boat and I got a rose.  I don’t know why.  Maybe they knew the women were gonna be mad so they got them all flowers.  Beats me…

I don’t know whats worse, stress with kids or listening to someone talk out of their butt for 3 hours.  Oiy.

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August 12th, 2010

Do not fear?

by MB

My husband and I are going on a date tonight. Yeah, I’m thrilled. Actually that was sarcasm.  Any other night, I would be thrilled to go on a date, but right now…not so much.  Why?  For several reasons 1) We are going on a boat.  You know…in the middle of the Mississippi.  And I’m thinking to myself, what if they all get drunk?  What if something happens to my kids and I can’t get off the stupid boat?  What if I get sick?  Well…there’s much more, but I will spare you the details.  2)I’m not overly thrilled with who is babysitting.  Plus this person is bringing another kid and I know for a fact this kid is destructive.  So back to point #1, I’m stuck on a boat while kid is destroying my house.  Yeah.  Hardly seems worth it to me.

I guess I should just put my best game face on and try to enjoy the vomit inducing boat ride.  Really, what can go worse in my life anyway?

Speaking of fear.  I always thought people with fear were nuts.  But now I have it….I am an over anxious, nut job.  It’s not normal to be driving and thinking you will get in an accident.  It’s not normal to have dreams where you die.  It’s like I know that God is in every detail, but I don’t really trust Him to protect my life.  Plenty of people who were Christians have died “too young” and suddenly.  So how do I reconcile that God is good with God can take my life at any time?  I know some people think “Oh it’s Satan who takes your life” but look at Job.  Even if it is Satan, he has to get permission from God to do it.  So how do I reconcile that?   It just doesn’t sit well with me.  At any moment, my kids could be taken from me.  I could be widowed.  My house could set on fire and we could all be homeless.  And that just might be God’s plan.  How do I not fear those things?  How can a person just accept that and be ok with it?

Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 1:18,  “For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.“  I think I know what he means.  Because knowing God is Sovereign is a good thing, but knowing that my life could end or my kids life could end any day if that is what God wills does not make me feel better.

CategoryBible, Christian Walk, Motherhood, My life, family life, marriage | Comment12 Comments »

August 11th, 2010

Sometimes I do things right

by MB

There was a big argument/discussion the day we found my mom in her apartment.  It was about whether she be cremated or buried.  Before my mom died, I didn’t really think much of cremation.  I was indifferent towards it.  I didn’t think it was bad or good.  I just thought it was an option and whatever.  My husband, on the other hand, has always had very strong feelings against cremation.  To this day, I still don’t know what I feel about it.  My mom never told us what she wanted and even on her papers, she left it up to her kids to decide.

When we were at the funeral home deciding what to do, my 2 oldest sisters were hell bent on having my mom cremated.  They kept saying how cheap it was.  And while I was indifferent, something in me kept saying “No, Mom wouldn’t want that.”  And it was at this point during the day where I actually gave my two cents and didn’t care if I hurt their feelings.  My brother who I had been fighting with was there too.  And I actually agreed with him on many things that day even though we weren’t getting along.  He too stated it well “She wouldn’t even cremate her own son.  That’s why I know she wouldn’t want to be cremated.”  And with that, the 2 older sisters couldn’t argue.  But I could tell they were mad about it.

So today I’m sorting through my mom’s papers.  I have a hard time looking through my moms things.  First of all, she just writes and writes and writes about NOTHING.  Weird dreams she had, Bible verses, what people told her, random notes about what she was thinking….in a way, I was kind of disturbed by it.  But towards the end of the pile, I pulled out a folder of stuff I knew she had been working on.  She was writing a booklet on “Jewish Roots” and the symbolisms and whatnot.  I didn’t read it all. It was like 100 pages and I was thinking to myself “Can’t there just be one piece of information that relates to me and not to her ministry?”  and so I flipped open the folder and there it was….plain as day:

If you do not feel like reading it (it might be too small to ready anyway), no problem.  It basically talks about how cremation has become more prevalent and acceptable, but the Bible is clear that burning a body is to dishonor it.  While I don’t know enough to say “Yes, that’s true”, what I do know is that my mom held on to this, found it important enough to put in her writings, and was going to use it in a class.

And anyway, it just confirmed to me that the ones that cared, the ones that knew my mom the best, were the ones who stood up for her and honored her by burying her.  And in a small way, that makes me feel like we did something right even if they all hate us.

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