This is a continuation of my last post. I hope, although fallen as I am, I can help as we surround ourselves with hurting people.
From my own experience, I can come at this from two angles. The first angle is being the one who is hurting. There have been many times I’ve reached out for help from others and what I found there is even more lonely. Some common answers to my problems were “just have more faith”, “go seek a shrink”, “read your Bible more”, “you need to deal with your shame” or “trust in Jesus”. I’ve also been told that my state of depression can be helped with a counselor and drugs. While I don’t doubt these things have their place, I feel its so sad that I have to pay someone to listen to me. As a Christian, why aren’t more people willing to come forward and be there for people who are hurting? Isn’t that what the church is for? Hurting people? It is often assumed that Christians should just be happy. I struggle with happy. I really do. I struggle with finding the joy in treasuring Jesus. The problem may just be my perspective. As Christians, shouldn’t we be encouraging those who are struggling until they can get to a point where God is their everything? Isn’t that a perfect example of biblical love? If we can’t comfort “our own”, how can we comfort a world full of hurting people?
The other angle I can take is that of a person who does comfort others. I must admit, I’m not perfect at this. I come to the table with broken and selfish ideas and thoughts. Nonetheless, I’ve walked through pain. I’ve seen the faces of my family as they mourned my brother’s sudden suicide. I’ve cried those tears myself on many occasions. I’ve asked the “why” questions and been the lunatic of angry thoughts at God for taking away people in my life. I’ve shut the door to people who have tried to care about me. So in a small way, I understand suffering. I don’t always understand certain types of suffering, but I can relate with my own small minded experiences. I know people who have suffered far greater than I. I certainly am not an expert. But I come with what I have and the perspective that God has given me based on what I’ve been through.
Those that suffer don’t need answers, necessarily. They just need to know that its ok to feel the way they do. I have found great comfort in knowing that David felt these feelings of wanting to die, that everyone hated him, that God was against him, etc. People who are suffering need to know that you’ve suffered in some way too. They don’t want you to say “I know EXACTLY how you are feeling”. Let’s face it: You don’t. Even if you have experienced something similar, you are not going to know exactly how that person feels. Each situation presents its own problems and trials. Telling someone to “Just trust God” feels uncaring. What if we wrapped our arms around someone in pain and said “I don’t know what you are going through, but God sees your pain”. How much more would this speak to them?
Maybe you have no real baseline for suffering. You can still pray that God would help you see His heart for that person. You can pray for that person. You can call them and see how they are doing. I have friends that have lost babies and my selfishness prevented me from taking note of the days they lost the baby or the baby’s due date. I wished I could go back in time and jot those dates down and remember and cry with them. In the least, send them a note saying I was thinking of them. But I did not. I could have blessed those who were hurting with something as small as a note. There are so many ways to comfort people, even if we can’t relate to what they are going through. Even though my friends have lost babies and I have never had that trauma myself, I can still feel sorrow for what they have lost. I can’t imagine living one day without my kiddos and I can see things in that light. So no matter how little you suffered, don’t use that as an excuse to not care. God will give us the wisdom to help others and teach us how to pray for them.
My way of caring might not be perfect. This is what I tend to do though. I have friends that will often call me and put it in my face that they are suffering. So, realizing that suffering is there hasn’t always been an issue. Mostly, I try to listen. I don’t try to give pat answers or uncaring advice. I never look at those times where they call me as a bad thing. I know God uses me in some small way. Some people get annoyed with people calling them. I probably used to be that way too. But over the last few years, I’ve realized that God gave me a gift of listening and also suffering with others (hurt with those who hurt) and so I embrace that. No phone call to me is annoying. I wish I could do more, but being homebound often is tough. So I email. I send notes. But most of all, I pray. I pray that these people would look to Jesus. I am human. I can’t do much. I can try to be a friend and someone who offers a listening ear, but God is the one who does the sanctifying work in our hearts. Truthfully, these people have often lent ears to me when I’m hurting too. So I don’t at all take it for granted.
There have been times though when I’ve seen a hurt and its not been “in my face” and since my caring tools are limited, I tend to shoot off an email to them to see how they are doing. I don’t want to be a person that just pretends it is not there. Sometimes I haven’t even known the person very well, but I’ll still email them or send them a note and that small token of concern goes very far. Sometimes people don’t want to share their pain, but if you say “I’m praying for you and thinking about you”, the next time I see them, they are more willing to get to know me. It opens up a door for me to learn more about them as well and know how to pray for them.
Relationally though, it would be easy for me to be stressed by problems all around me. I tend to stress out at my own problems. I wish I had something brilliant to say, but really I just try to do what I feel God is leading me to do in that certain situation. I have offered help in the form of meals, babysitting, or just going out to coffee. I think the point is that you do something. Doing nothing is not an option. Sometimes I’ve been shot down on these offers, but the point is that the offer is there and that you do care.
The most personal example I can give you is when my Mother in law died. My husband shut me out. He just didn’t think I could relate. This caused conflict in our marriage at the time. I offered to do things for his family even though I am not very fond of them. I made the funeral brochures. I filtered phone calls that I knew my husband couldn’t handle at the time. I let his family stay in our home, even though I had to bite my tongue the entire time they were here. I scanned all the pictures for the funeral slide show presentation. I created photo boards that hung outside the church service. I made sure the money from the funeral was protected. I tried to do things I knew I could do at the time. I was not well liked by most of my in-laws, but I didn’t let that hinder whatever God wanted me to do. I tried to reach out when I could. Was I a perfect reflection of Jesus? No. I was hurting too. Looking back, I was trying to do what I knew that I could do and hoping I’d somehow ease the suffering in some way. In the least, I was hoping to take some burdens off of the family. I don’t know if they really felt blessed by me or not, but later on my husband told me that he was. And after all the dust settled, he saw my heart was not how others saw me. He saw Jesus reflected in me. He knew that I could relate to him. That year was one of the hardest years for me. I saw ugliness from my in-laws and my husband that was anything but lovable. I was not a perfect person nor did I always act how God wanted me to, but I didn’t give up on my husband either. It was hard to love him at times and to show him that I cared, but in the end, I struggled through and never let my arms be too far from reach if he needed me.
What if we tried to do that in our circle of contact? I will repeat, I’m anything but perfect. But what if we let down our judgments and reached out to those who are anything but lovable? I try to remind myself of the ugliness I have inside of myself. If we laid down all our filth and dirt, I bet we’d realize we aren’t all that different. And isn’t that what Jesus did for us? He loves us despite our filth. He loves us knowing us so well. We can’t hide our dirt from him like we can people. He knows it all. It’s laid bare. And He still loves us. We can never truly be like Jesus, but we can set Jesus as our standard for loving. God is love and so we must ask God to make us more like Himself. We have plenty of unlovable people around us. Unlovable as they are, they are also hurting people.
When I think of people and how to help them, of course they need Jesus. I think of Jesus feeding the five thousand. I think of the little children coming to Him and the disciples trying to send those people away. Jesus didn’t send them away and neither should we. Instead, He blessed them with food and the children with prayers of blessing. These were ways that were simple, yet showed how much Jesus loved. We can all think of ways that we can reach out to those who are hurting. Learn about that person and their immediate needs and find a way to meet those needs. Offer to pray with them. Commit to praying for them during your devotional time. Seek them out. Most importantly, listen to how God wants you to respond to that person and be obedient. Ask God to show you people who are in need. Even if you are unable to devote hours of time to them, think of small things you can do to bless them.
1 John 3:16-18
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”
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