My life in a nutshell-my dad died of cancer when I was 11, my triplet brother committed suicide when I was 17, I recently just found my mom dead in her apartment. My life has been surrounded by death. I’m married to my first love for the last 12 years and I can’t say its been easy. I’m weird and apparently he’s normal, so you do the math. I have 3 children ages 11, 8, and 4. My oldest has high functioning autism. My youngest is being tested for sensory disorders. I homeschool. I blog on this blog and also here. And I have an online shop where I sell stuff to remind me that somethings are still beautiful.
I write plenty about me. Too much about me, somedays. I wanted to be all Christian and stuff, but really I’m just a person that struggles, sometimes more than the average person at this thing called Christianity. Or maybe it just seems that way. I haven’t figured anything out. I waiver between being “Oh yeah, that makes sense” and the next moment, “Oh gosh, I’m doomed”. I really have no idea what is going on half the time and my heart and mind seem to be a mixed up mess.
I used to think I understood, but I really don’t know anything about God. I’m just trying. Trying so hard just to get to heaven. Trying not to lose sight of His face. Trying to be a good person and love God, but most days I wake up pretty angry and confused. No amount of trying has helped, but I’m still holding on. I hope that counts for something in the end.
If you are looking for names, mine is MB, Elle, or Michelle. Pick one…they all work. I think I’m probably the saltiest person in this Christian blogging world…I just like to refer to myself as a realist, not a cynic, but I’ll let you decide. If I could drink what everyone else is drinking and shout “Jesus is awesome!” I sure would. But right now, I fear I am just a tainted soul that feels purposeless in this vast world full of joyful somebodies who are nothing like me. Maybe I’ll be a drone someday too. We can hope right?
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