Cross Driven

Til Death do us part. You were made for one another. You complete me.

Sigh.

Really? Lately I don’t feel any of it except for maybe the death thing. My days consist of needy children and tons of stress, cleaning house, and trying to make the people in my life not mad at me. I feel like a slave. There is no me anymore.

I used to love a lot of things. I liked poetry, music, and nature. Now the closest thing I get to that is listening to my child’s rendition of “Jesus loves me” and watching them run around like wild animals. I don’t regret my kids. I just feel like this is it.

This house would not run without me here. My husband does things, sure. But the last 5 years he’s been in school and my life has been nothing but pure chaos. In fact, he’s been in school on and off my entire 11 1/2 years of marriage and frankly, it sucks. When he is in school, he’s just focused on that. He doesn’t get enough sleep. He acts like a complete jerk. I asked him a question this morning and got my head bit off. And somehow he’s going to “make it up” to me when he’s done in June. I hardly think so. Because frankly, I’m bitter. I’m angry at all the nights I went to bed by myself and he rolled his rear up there at 3am. I’m angry at all the times he yelled at the kids to be quiet when they were just being kids. I’m angry at all the times I needed him and he brushed me off with a pat answer because he was just too busy for me. I can’t tell you how many times we were invited to social things and we had to say NO because of his school. Now, I’ve come to a place where I’m even more angry because now he is using his school as an excuse not to go to church. My kids see this of course and don’t want to go to church either.

Yesterday I went to church completely by myself. I usually take a kid along, but none of them wanted to come with me. I drove 25 minutes in complete silence, except for the sound of the car. I sat through the pre-school class, the entire time just wanting to break down and cry. That I did, all the way home. My life is not my own anymore. This is not what I imagined when I said “I do”. Of course, it never is. But this just seems so isolating and lonely. It feels like I’m married to a robot who goes to work, comes home and does school. I hate it.

It would be ok if he was content to get a B, but he never will. He can’t stand being less than perfect. Funny how that works. His marriage is less than perfect, but he could care less. Gotta get that stinking A. UGH. And he won’t make time for church, but he’ll make time to play basketball or watch the game. I just want to scream.

I’ve come to the conclusion at this point, that I am just here serving a role. It shouldn’t be that way, but that is how it is. I can’t make him be a husband who puts his family first. I can’t make him care about me more than an A. And I also can’t make myself not be bitter. It is what it is. I’ve been replaced by school work, sports and a computer. Whatever was of ME is gone and now I’m just here to make sure everyone else is happy, but me. I guess that is the gospel or so I’ve been told. Give of yourself. Spend yourself. Ok, been there, done that. What’s left? Oh yeah, right…heaven. Well heaven can take me anyday now because this world sucks. True story.

No Comments | In: family life | tags: life, marriage, stress. | #

Autism Spectrum Disorder.  That is what the school has found my 5th Grade daughter has.  My husband and I don’t completely agree on some things about this.  I don’t think its a disorder.  I think God made her that way and nothing He makes is a “disorder”.  Secondly, God uses things that we don’t understand for His glory.  And I’d bet my entire life on the fact that God is using this too for His glory.  I don’t know it or see it or understand it, but I know God is good and just.

What surprises me is really my feelings about all of it.  I’m not altogether surprised about it.  I mean, I’ve seen things about my daughter that some would consider quite strange.  I’ve protected her from things that I know she would be fearful of.  I’ve pulled her out of classes where the teacher was anything but understandable.  I’ve heard it all — she can’t read, she can’t hold a pencil, is she deaf?  Why is she so shy?  I kind of knew all along something was not right.  What does seem to bother me though is this feeling that my daughter is somehow damaged.  Try explaining to a 10 year old that there is nothing wrong with them, but we will be uprooting her life somewhat to go to school a few hours a day because she has something called “autism”.  Don’t worry though, there is nothing wrong with you.  She isn’t an idiot.  The world does think something is wrong with her.

I’ve been grappling with this.  Is there something really wrong with her or is all of us?  Do we need to be more sensitive to people instead of trying to change who they are?  Of course, my daughter needs some training.  She has a hard time socializing.  She needs some skills to help her develop in that area.  She needs to succeed in life.  I don’t deny that.  But she is hardly damaged goods.

I look at her sweet, sincere face and there are so many things right about her.  She loves Jesus.  She opens her Bible and reads it everyday.  She loves her siblings and is so thoughtful of all of them.  She will say she loves you about 5 times a day.  When you are hurt, she says “Mommy, what’s the matter?”  She cares so much.  She is the only one of my kids that is both thoughtful and obedient about 98% of the time.  She thinks before she speaks.  She is humble.  She is meek.  She might not be very social, but she loves those around her very much.  She hates writing, but she will take the time, no matter how laborious to write a letter to her Grandmother.  She is one of the kindest, sweetest, and most thoughtful 5th graders I know.  She doesn’t care about celebrities or musicians.  She doesn’t care about makeup and clothes and Hannah Montana or whatever the latest craze is.  The fact that she is naive makes her even more lovable.  The things she cares about and talks about reflects how much she loves God.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Now I realize that she is who she is to some degree because I followed the plan for our family that God had for us and homeschooled her.  For the last 5 years, she’s been under my wing and impressed by me.  She has not had loyalties to the public school system or any other person except for me and my husband.  God did a work in her life and used our family to do it.  He orchestrated it all.  So she is who she is because God did that.  But I find myself being a tad insecure with these next steps.  God orchestrated her path up to this point, why don’t I trust the rest of it?  The next steps are that she goes to the public school every day for a few hours a day.  It’s easy for me to think that I am somehow now feeding her to the dogs.  5th grade boys.  Need I say more?  Conversations will not reflect God.  Girls will gossip and talk about TV shows and music and boys.  I shutter.  It’s not that I want her to be isolated but some protection up to this point has been good for her.  She is growing into a young lady that loves her Father God.  I just feel like TV, music, and boys are huge distractions that she doesn’t need.

I know I need to trust that God will continue the good work in her that He started.  It wasn’t me.  It wasn’t homeschool.  It wasn’t a good church.  It was God.  I’m struggling with it all.  I want to keep her under my wing and never let her fly free, but I must.  Watching your kids grow up and become independent is somewhat a scary thing.  You want to protect them from everything, but you cannot.  For me, I am comforted that God is never out of reach.  His hand is never far away.  His guiding force is always there.  He is a God that has carried me through many trials and He will carry my daughter too.  He made her this way for good purpose.  I’m so glad He uses the weak things of this world for His glory.

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 1 Corinthians 1:27 [show] [27]But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; (ESV)

5 Comments | In: Home Education, My Christian walk, family life | tags: autism, children, school. | #

This week has not been all that great.  I am suffering through the day here and struggling just to not resort to laying on the couch and pretending like I have nothing to do today.  These past few weeks, the girls and I have been saying, daily, Psalms 23 [show] The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. [2]He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. [3]He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. [4]Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. [5]You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. [6]Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
.  We say it twice a day.  It’s mainly for school, but also because I want them to learn scripture.

If you can imagine being crabby and having a bad day and then enters my 3 year old son. It’s hard to stay unhappy for very long, although he sometimes is one who causes the unhappiness around here.  Certainly, he has his moments of fit throwing, potty accidents, and sassing his mom.  But this morning wasn’t one of them, so me being unhappy towards him seemed to melt quite quickly.  He was walking around with his legos and he kept repeating “He makes me lie down in green pastures.  He leads me beside quiet waters”.  He didn’t just say it once.  He said it like 10 times – the same 2 sentences.

It got me thinking.  This child of 3, who has many reasons to throw a fit or pout or demand his own way right now is happy.  He might not understand the verse completely.  Someday he will.  Someday he will have his own bad days and his own struggles and this verse, I hope, will pop into his head.  It’s so easy for me to feel like my job is pointless.  It’s so easy for me to look around and see the mess and think “what is all this even for?”  But today, I happened to look around and hear the words that are being planted in his tiny heart that is so full of love for me.  I saw a glimpse of what this little boy is picking up without me even making him learn it.

Someday other voices are going to try to drown out that still, small voice.  Someday soon, it will be harder to hear.  Those words will never leave him though.  They will always be there, like a record that needs to be dusted off to be played again.  And someday, when he is facing the most devastating thing in his world, he will remember how, maybe vaguely, that his mom and his sisters repeated Psalms 23 [show] The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. [2]He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. [3]He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. [4]Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. [5]You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. [6]Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
and the words will be in his heart and he will know.  He will know that God is near.

What was it all for?  Not for my glory.  Not for his.  Not to make him into a robot.  Not that he will play his part well.  Not that I will be mother of the year.  No, not any of those things.  My hope and prayer is that it was all to bring glory to God and that the life of my son will someday reflect Jesus as His personal treasure.  I never memorized scripture growing up, but my son will.

1 Corinthians 3:7-9 [show] [7]So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. [8]He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive his wages according to his labor. [9]For we are God's fellow workers. You are God's field, God's building. (ESV)
says, “So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. For we are God’s fellow workers; you are God’s field, God’s building.“  My children are God’s building.  All I can do is my part.  That is what it is all for.  The foundation is being planted.  As he grows, he will be watered.  If it is God’s will, He will make him grow.  That is my purpose.  Will I do it well?

3 Comments | In: family life | tags: Bible, children, training. | #

I love helping in the Preschool class at church.  You just never know what will come out of the mouths of 4 year olds.

Today, we told the story of the good Samaritan.  The Team Leader went up and started talking to the group of preschoolers about how if our brother or sister wants something and we want it too, we should give it to them.  The Team Leader said “So if there is one cookie left and your brother wants it, what should you do?”  A little boy raised his hand and said “Split it in half!!”  What was funnier is the Team Leader went on and said “if the cookie is already been split in half, then what should you do?”  Another little boy said “Split it in half again!”

I think the concept of giving something of yourself and you not getting anything was just too much to handle.  Who can blame them though.  Most adults don’t want to give away their cookies either.

5 Comments | In: Church Life | tags: children, giving, sacrificing. | #

I never really thought much about resolutions for 2010 because honestly, I’m always trying to set goals and live by them.  My goals aren’t the typical goals “eat better”, “lose weight”, “get my boss to notice me”…etc.  Instead, I set goals to keep moving toward the cross.  There are so many things that just take time away from Him.  We can let the littlest of things drag us away.  Lately, my little things include TV, computer, and obsessing too much over what people think of me or say about me.  Is God going to care about any of that?  If I update my blog for hours or leave piddly comments on facebook to people who never even read them instead of actually taking time to read the Word and dwell on it, is God going to be proud of me?

My main goal this year is to read through the Bible.  I already have a head start on it.  My hope is to get through the entire Bible.  I also want to memorize verses this year.  I tell my kids how important it is  to memorize, yet I don’t do it.  Hypocrite.  I have memorized some verses with them for school and they have stayed with me.  They speak to me when I need them.  It’s really an amazing thing to have scripture hidden in your heart.  It seems to repeat itself to me when I’m going through a situation where it fits.  So I make those things a priority.  Also, prayer.  Praying is so important, but I find it hard sometimes to do so.  I need to make time.  How can God really speak to us if we don’t let Him?

I say these things not because A, B, and C will make me a better Christian (although, it won’t hurt); I say it because I love God and want to know Him better.  I read Ray Ortlund’s blog the other day.  I think what he said is really good in regards to accepting Jesus.  I hope you will take time to read it as well.  I will end with a quote from his blog:

That kind of person can “accept Jesus” in either of two ways. One way is to invite him onto the committee. Give him a vote too. But then he becomes just one more complication. The other way to “accept Jesus” is to say to him, “My life isn’t working. Please come in and fire my committee, every last one of them. I hand myself over to you. Please run my whole life for me.” That is not complication; that is salvation.

2 Comments | In: Encouragement, God's Sovereignty, My Christian walk | tags: Christianity, Christians, God, God's Word. | #

The last few days I have felt worn out and “blue”.  The weather has not been nice at all.  My Bible Study plans were canned due to bad roads and I live 25 minutes from church.  I have been feeling somewhat isolated lately.  On top of that, my mom had hip surgery yesterday and I think some of my family members were irritated at me because she put me down as a contact.  Basically I get news first, although I really didn’t so I don’t know why that stuff matters.  It was not my idea.

My house has also been in a rut.  Actually, I have been in a rut and my house looks dilapidated.  Ok, not really, but it needs some major help.  I broke up the rooms by day and will have to tackle it that way.  It’s just too much work for one person.  My kids haven’t been overly helpful lately, but I’m working on getting them to help me.  They just want to watch TV and veg out.  Can I blame them?  That is all I want to do as well.  I dislike the midwest and wish for warmer temps and a lot less snow.  I don’t like skiing or iceskating or sledding.  I just want winter to be over, but I know I have atleast 2 more long months of this stuff.  The sun peeked out for about 2 hours today, but it doesn’t help much.  I just feel depressed when I look at all the snow and realize how cold it is.

How can one be joyful when the world feels so cold and lonely?  When I step into church and I feel like no one would notice if I vanished?  Or I talk with my family and they seem like my very existence is repulsive to them?  Well, the hope I cling to in days like today is that I have a perfect friend who will never leave me or forsake me.  He knows every step I take.  He knows everything about me.  He knows when I don’t show up to church or when my heart hurts because my family isn’t kind.  He knows when I can’t hardly make it out of bed.  He sees it all and knows all of it before I even do it.  That brings me comfort.

I have been trying to learn Bible Arcing.  It’s really hard, but I really want to learn it because I feel like my Bible Studies will improve if I do it.  But I’ve done pretty much all of the training online but I feel like I need to go over it again because my brain feels hazy in some areas.  Anyway, as I was doing the training yesterday, one of the verses stuck out to me.  It was 1 John 4:10 [show] [10]In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. (ESV)
:

In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

In Bible Arcing, you look to see how each preposition relates to one another. I wouldn’t even have noticed this or thought through this had I not been doing the training. I have heard this verse many times, but for some reason when I heard it yesterday it really spoke to me. “Not that we have loved God” was what stuck out to me. It’s not how much we love God. Of course, we need to love God and seek to love Him more, but that is not the meaning of God’s love for us. To me, this verse is saying the true meaning of love is not based on how much we can love God or how much we love Him now, its based on the fact that He loves us. How does He love us? He loves us by sending His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. I know its a simplistic truth, but for some reason God wanted me to hear it in a new way yesterday.

Some days I wake up and I don’t feel like I love God, but that is not the basis of God’s love for me. He loves me. He already sent His son to die for all my sins not because He knew I’d love Him back. Not because I was good or did anything great. But because God is a loving God and the giver of good and perfect gifts and sent the most perfect gift – the one I most needed, His Son. So even if I’m feeling unjoyful and that the world around me is a cold and lonely place to be, God loves me. He loves my crabby, selfish, prideful, gloomy, unrepentant, ungrateful heart. In this is love. God showed it. I just have to accept it.

4 Comments | In: Encouragement | tags: Bible, depression, God's love. | #

Not sure anyone reads this that used to be one of my “friends” on facebook, but I have officially dumped that bad habit.  I tried once before, but like some sick addicting drug, it called my name and I answered it back.

This is why I dumped facebook:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

This passage is from Hebrews 12:1-3 [show] Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, [2]looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. [3]Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. (ESV)
. On facebook, I feel like I am surrounded by so many people. Some only know me from facebook since I have not talked to them in 10 plus years. Others I see sometimes, but they never say anything to me on facebook anyway. We can have a conversation without facebook. Others are family. I find the hardest people to have as friends on facebook are family. They tend to take everything the wrong way.

Conversations on facebook are just silly. Something said quite innocently becomes a heated argument. Someone takes offense and then all hell breaks loose. So what is the sin in facebook? I’m not saying it is sinful to use facebook. For me, the sin is that I find myself getting wrapped up in useless talk and discussion and trying to defend myself all the time over something so incredibly stupid, that I waste time and good energy that could be used towards something more fulfilling and wonderful…my children.

Besides that fact, I don’t find it incredibly useful to have my name smeared all over the internet by people who simply do not understand me. Sadly, these people happen to be my very flesh and blood. They just don’t understand who I am. I think maybe they thought they knew me and then they realized how much of an opinion I had on things (I have strong morals) and they don’t like it. Today was the abortion argument. Apparently stating a statistic about babies that are disabled being aborted is causing “undue pain” for people who have had abortions. I say the pain is already there, so I didn’t bring it to the table. It was already there, but it was hiding under the bread. How is it my fault that the pain of your abortion decided to move the bread over and show itself?

Besides that, I don’t feel like facebook does me much good. I waste too much time contemplating if I am stepping on someone’s toes simply by stating something from the Bible or possibly one of my friends leaves me a comment and how dare they! They ask me if I want to go to a Pro-Life March. I don’t know. I can’t always make people happy, but maybe I can make them happy by not irritating them so much on facebook. If they want to be irritated, they can read my blog. Sometimes I just find it useless. If you use facebook, that is fine. I just seem to have problems on there…or maybe they follow me around..whatever the case, it stinks. I need simplicity, so one less thing to worry about on my end.

And for your viewing pleasure, be sure to read these articles about how facebook is killing…pretty much everything. Let’s blame facebook (ha ha):

Facebook Kills Job chances

Facebook Kills relationships

Man kills wife after Facebook Status Change

Man kills Wife for Spending too much time on Facebook

Committing Facebook Suicide (this article is quite interesting on how even if you don’t have a facebook account, your name and information could still be available!)

5 Comments | In: Totally Random | tags: facebook. | #

In October 2008, my husband and I wanted to adopt.   We discussed what kind of adoption we would pursue and International Adoption was where we headed.  It didn’t take long though before all the stress of the adoption got to both of us.  We attended a ton of classes, filed papers, answered everything about ourselves and waited.  Then we had our homestudy interview in August 2009.  I won’t go into the details of what happened, but our social worker was anything but nice and sweet.  She did all but accuse us of child abuse (later I found out homeschool is a red flag for abuse..go figure) and we decided not to pursue the adoption.

My plans, my dreams, and my hard work seemed all in vain.  It was over.  People just thought I was fine.  After all, we never had the kid in hand.  We weren’t pregnant and lost a baby.  It was just a dream.  However, I was devastated.  I walked around for months angry at the adoption system, the social worker, and I certainly did not understand why God had us go through all of that just to be left with nothing.  We lost money.  We lost time.  We lost a dream.

Meanwhile, people I know are having children, nursing babies, and I’m left to wonder why God would do this.  I’m not angry at God.  I just don’t understand what purpose this was for.  During the adoption process, people said some really mean things to us.  Some of the things were “You can’t even handle the three kids you have” or “How are you even going to support another kid?”  During the months when we were going to adopt, it didn’t bother me much, but after when everything fell apart, these words seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks.  I figured maybe we weren’t good enough to adopt.

Since then, I decided I needed to keep my mind off of things so I started serving once a week in the Preschool class with 4 year olds at church.  I tried to ignore the baby thing and I don’t read adoption blogs anymore.  Recently, the news in Haiti has started me thinking again about our failed adoption plans and has made me sad.  I can’t get away from the news of Haiti.  It’s everywhere.  So now, I’m back to where I started.  “God why is this happening? I just wanted to move on with my life, but then there it is…all those bad feelings again.”  God must have some reason for it.  There must be some reason I am so sad when I see orphans.  There must be a reason why I have this underlying feeling of “I wish I was in Haiti so I could help the orphans”.  Why would God let me feel this way?

For the last year and a half, I have felt like “There must be more to life than this”.  I realize the things I do -  serving at church, homeschooling my children, being a mom, being a wife — those are all good things.  They are serving and giving of myself, all by themselves.  Sometimes I envy missionaries who are doing great things.  They are in the midst of it.  They are getting their hands dirty and doing it for God. Sometimes I feel like I could do so much more than what I’m doing.  There is nothing wrong with what I do now, but is this all you have for me God?

Whatever you do, find the God-centered, Christ exalting, Bible saturated passion of your life, and find your way to say it, to live for it, and die for it and you will make a difference that lasts. You will not waste your life.” John Piper

4 Comments | In: Church Life, My Christian walk | tags: adoption, missions, orphans. | #

People probably don’t know this about me, but I honestly have anxiety about meeting new people.  I especially hate being in groups where they put you on the spot.  This makes me have even more anxiety.  It’s not that I will not talk to people.  I do.  I just like the one on one conversations much more than I like talking in front of people.

I have tried to push myself in the past to be in things like Bible Studies and classes at church.  I usually end up highly disliking it.  I don’t know what it is, but I just don’t like people all that much.  I try but its really hard.  I’m not saying I hate everyone.  I’m not even saying that I’m unfriendly toward people.  I just have found it especially hard to relate to other people and for them to relate to me.  Sometimes I feel like I have a social disorder or something.  And truthfully, I would probably sit in my house all day and never relate to people, but I don’t think God wants us to be like that at all.  Part of my sin nature is wanting to just be alone by myself.  It’s not something I’m overly proud of.  It’s just something that I have to deal with and conquer in my own life.  Yet, if you met me, I doubt you would even notice this about me.  I can be very friendly given the right opportunity.

I think I have come a long way in the last few years.  I have pushed myself to be involved in serving at church which forces me to 1) Go to church and 2) be around people I do not know.   I think doing this has caused me to be somewhat, dare I say, more social.  I am more willing to talk to people now.  I’ll always be quiet in nature and probably a girl of few words…I mean, you won’t find me blabbering advice about this or that to your face, but that’s ok.  God made me quiet for some reason, but He didn’t want me to stay isolated.  He’s helped me to overcome my fears.  I still have many regarding socialization.  I fear looking stupid or people talking badly about me.  I shouldn’t care, but I do.  I’m a women and women care way too much about that stuff, myself included.

Even though I have forced myself to be around people that doesn’t always mean they take notice or want to get to know me.  I have found that its pretty lonely and people aren’t as willing as you would imagine to develop relationships with new people.  I think this is somewhat sad.  There are lots of new people coming in and out of our church and I wonder if they feel the same as I do.  Everything takes such a long time.  Relationships just aren’t there that I would like to have.  I secretly wish for friendships and acquaintances.  We can’t travel the journey alone.  So instead of expecting people to relate to me, I have to do what I wish they would do — relate to them.  It feels weird to do this as I am a newbie, so it feels somewhat like they should be reaching out to me.  God doesn’t say that I only have to be kind when someone is kind to me, therefore, I put my best foot forward and do what Jesus would have me do even if it doesn’t always feel fair.

There are opportunities at our church to know people.  There are Bible Studies and classes and Shepherd groups.  I’ve been going for a year and I have not even tried to attend one.  My husband attended a class on Sunday mornings, but after 3 months of going, he said he felt like nobody wanted to really get to know him, so he dropped out.  I think people still are unaware that he is not going.  They didn’t even notice that he was there half the time.  Although I find this really sad as the class isn’t that large, I realize that my husband needs to do the socializing.  People don’t like outsiders.  They like what is familiar.  They like being comfortable.  This can be said of both the group and my husband because both were not stretching to find out more about the other.   I miss this about our last church because they were very welcoming of new people.  I don’t find this so at our current church.  It gets to be a very lonely feeling.

All of this to say, I ended up joining a study that starts tonight.  I don’t know exactly how it will go.  I don’t feel like it will be great or amazing.  I know it will be hard for me to relate to people.  They all know one another and I don’t know anyone.  It feels a bit like high school.  You come in, find your seat as quick as you can, pretend to not be nervous, smile and nod, and hope the popular girls don’t dislike you.   I don’t know why I resort back to feeling like I’m 17 in these situations, but I always do.  And to be fair, most of them are not immature.  I’m just insecure.  I have so much in my brain, but can’t find the words to say them.

I used to be in a Bible study at our old church and it seemed whenever I voiced my opinion on a matter, it was shot down.  Even if I quoted a verse, that was shot down as well.  It just felt like people wanted to do what they wanted to do and the only reason they joined the Bible study was for fellowship, not to really change at all.  It felt very much like a “club” instead of a place to grow.  I’m hoping this is not the case tonight because I certainly don’t need to be in a “club”.  I need to be in a place that helps me grow in Jesus.  That is why I will endure the anxiety and the hardship of going.  That is why I will spread my wings and become a tad uncomfortable.  It’s not because I want to be popular.  It’s because I want to know Jesus more intimately and we can do that by sharing with one another and learning how Christ works in the lives of others.  We grow in relationships, I do believe, and so that is why I decided to join this group.

I just want to grow in Jesus and if it takes me being anxious, uncomfortable, and annoyed…then so be it.  There are worse things I could endure.  I hope tonight is awesome and reaches beyond my hopes because wherever God is, I want to be.  I picked up the book for class tonight, unknowingly, it was about suffering.  I think God planned that just for me.

No Comments | In: Church Life, My Christian walk | tags: classes, groups, socializing. | #

Come&Live has free music on their website.  You can download the entire I am Living Volume 1 for free.  Just thought I’d pass this goody along!

I didn’t know what Come&Live was until today.  Here is an excerpt from their website about who and what they are: “COME&LIVE! is dedicated to honoring our God-given gifts by giving back to others.  In joining hands with our artists we aim to provide them guidance to live a life of faith and keeping focus on the only enduring effort — loving and sharing JESUS. “Missions is bidding the nations: SING WITH US!” — John Piper.  If we believe that our lives and music define our mission, then we should be willing to share it all, not under any financial obligation, but plainly given away as a gift. It’s one of the smaller ways we know how to spell “love”. Our artists are missionaries, spreading the gospel and worshipping our Creator while giving all they have to love others. Therefore I command you, “You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor” – Deuteronomy 15:11 [show] [11]For there will never cease to be poor in the land. Therefore I command you, 'You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor, in your land.' (ESV)
″

Wow.  What a breathe of fresh air.  I definitely think people should support this ministry.  They aren’t in it to be famous or for money, but instead because they deeply love Jesus.  Awesome.

No Comments | In: Christian Music | tags: christian musicians, free, music. | #